Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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