just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
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