So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
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