i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
