I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Randomize
