i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Sorry about my life...
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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