i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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