So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
