DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
