Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
