ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
