In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
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Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
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you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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