just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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