You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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