I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Randomize
