WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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