You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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