I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
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she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
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