That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
