I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
