I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
