I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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