i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Randomize
