My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
