We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
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