Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
My balls are so social today.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
