Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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