guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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