"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
