On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
