It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
