Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
