just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
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I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
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dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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