I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
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