She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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