There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
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oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
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My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
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