I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
