turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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