How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
