I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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