please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
