Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
