I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
