i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
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