Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
