You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Randomize
