Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
