How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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