Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
