Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Boobs speak an international language.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
