He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
