bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
Randomize
