You don't have asthma, your pregnant
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
