Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
