Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
