when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
