Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
