i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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