dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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